carrieallison.blog

As an extremely avoidant and closed-off person, I’ve decided to write this blog to help my healing journey. I don’t expect anything to come from it. I don’t want sympathy or pity. This is genuinely something I think will help me in the long run and it might help some to understand me better. 

I’m removing the mask. The anxiety. The fear.

This is me, bare.

For those who only know me at face value would probably describe me as hard to read, awkward, closed off, quiet even. But that isn’t true. I’m not naturally quiet, and I’m not shy in any way. I’m actually an extrovert, loud and dramatic.

I love all types of people. I love talking, I love listening. I love being in peoples company. I love making people laugh. 

I’m just scared.

I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared to let people close to me. I’m scared of failure, and I’m scared of success. I’m even scared to be writing this now.

I’m a product of manipulation. Always being used as a backup. Never good enough to be the first choice. Being an easy target for people to pick on. I was left behind by people I saw as my best friends, all because I didn’t fit into a certain box. I was asked out by boys in my class as a joke and constantly made fun of for being a free spirit. 

That sticks with you.

I still carry it now.

Being myself wasn’t accepted, so I consciously made the effort to change, and I diluted my personality. Soon enough, it became something I couldn’t stop.

I’m not perfect. I’m in the wrong a lot of the time. I don’t message first. I don’t initiate meet-ups. I don’t fight for people to stay. Because deep down, I truly believe they don’t want me in their lives. That I’m not worth people’s time. That I’m weird. That I’m not enough. That people don’t actually like me, they’re just talking to me to be polite.

Even though having relationships with people is what I crave, I can’t surpass that feeling. 

I want to initiate. I want to go out with people. I want friends. I want affection.  The fear of being hurt again is just too great.

What I’ve realised, though, is that it’s unfair to push my beliefs about myself onto other people. I’ve already made that decision for them, and that isn’t fair.

Maybe it’s even selfish.

Because if people truly didn’t want to talk to me, they wouldn’t keep making the effort… right?

There are still a lot of gaps in my memory. A lot of things I can’t explain that continue to shape who I am. I haven’t unlocked those parts yet.

But I want Carrie back.

 

The girl who would hug people, who didn’t fear anything. Someone with big dreams, ambition and confidence. Someone unapologetically herself. Someone who didn’t constantly question her choices. Someone happy.

That version of me I know is still there, buried beneath this gnawing void, years of suppressed trauma, and years of negative self-talk.

There’s definitely times I am my true self. Around my friends I definitely am. Sometimes the mask slips with strangers and I’ve always noticed people prefer me when that happens. 

I need to break my habit. 

I’m ready for change.

I may have lost parts of myself along the way. I may be awkward now, quiet, closed off, afraid. But if anyone stayed long enough to chip away at the walls I’ve built around myself, they’d still find someone loyal, kind, sensitive, and deeply loving underneath it all.

At least that part of me is still here.

Thank you for reading this far, if I didn’t bore you half to death.

And for those who continue to stay by my side, thank you for giving me a chance. 

Let’s try to heal.

— Carrie x

18/05/2026